Explaining Libertarianism to My College Roommate

Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy…

“So you like crack cocaine?”, my soon-to-be roommate asked as he drove us from North Carolina to Alabama. I thought that this whole thing was just a giant joke, but the questions just kept coming; the look on his face made me feel like a witch in Salem.

Getting to know your first college roommate is a strange experience. It might be one of the first major relationships you develop going into adulthood. Roommate #1’s father was a staunch, Southern Evangelical who never met a Republican he didn’t like. After hearing I was a libertarian, you would have thought I had walked out of Mad Max’s Thunderdome (leather included). He wanted his son to drive as our families caravanned down to the first college I attended together in order to bond so he could get to know me. I won’t go into full detail (which is why I wrote a book, “Stay Away From The Libertarians!”), but I can give you the full list of questions you won’t get anywhere other than here.

Let’s get real.

“So you want to legalize all drugs?”

Right Answer: Only because prohibition is bad and has created far worse problems than legalization. The drug epidemic is a health issue, not a crime issue. People should not go to prison for crimes that do not harm others.

What I said: “Well not all of them at once…”

What I would say now: “Basically.”

“So you like crack cocaine?”

Right Answer: That has nothing to do with the topic of the failures of the drug war, and I would personally never try drugs because they are harmful to your health.

What I said: “I mean no… I’m not saying we should legalize crack… I mean I don’t have a solid opinion on the legalization of crack.”

What I would say now: “Nope, haven’t tried it but your son might have.”

“Why are you into prostitutes?”

Right Answer: I’m not into prostitutes because prostitution goes against my values as a person, but two consenting adults should be able to make agreeable transactions and have a relative right to privacy. If we took it out of the shadows, you’d have less disease and crime.

What I said: “Prostitution is bad but women own their bodies.”

What I would say now: “I’m not but I’m pretty sure your son knows where to find some.”

“Do you agree with on-demand abortion?”

Right Answer: No.

What I said: “No.”

What I would say now: “Whats with you people being so anti-condom?”

“Do you believe in the Gay Agenda?”

Right Answer: There is no Gay Agenda.

What I said: “What?”

What I would say now: “Yeah and I hear its fabulous.”

“How many times did you vote for Obama?”

Right Answer: To each their own.

What I said: “Never.”

What I would say now: “The opposite of the number of times you thought Bush was a good idea.”

“Is Ron Paul like your god?”

Right Answer: Not all libertarians worship Ron Paul.

What I said: “Who is Ron Paul again?”

What I would say now: “How dare you take his name in vain! Don’t ever let it leave your whore lips!”

“Do you understand the war on Christians?”

Right Answer: There is an obvious culture war against Christians brought about by cultural-Marxism.

What I said: “Yeah I saw it on Huckabee last night on Fox.”

What I would say now: “How is the Walmart greeter not saying Merry Christmas the same as a village massacre in Sudan?”

“How will we build the roads?”

Right Answer: There were private roads way before there were public ones and the free market can provide all.

What I said: “The roads aren’t going anywhere.”

What I would say now: “Make your own damn roads.”


Remso W. Martinez is a journalist and political commentator in the D.C. area. Remso is the author of the upcoming book “Stay Away From The Libertarians!” available on Amazon on June 23, 2018. You can follow him on Twitter @Remso101

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