A few weeks ago, I shocked the world when I wrote that lusting after a woman is both evil and denies her humanity. Many people commented after asking exactly what lusting means. A more concise definition is this: any intent to derive sexual pleasure for its own sake. Let’s dive into what that means.
Have you ever been making out with somebody when your parents walk in? Suddenly the atmosphere changes. No longer are things getting hot and heavy, but you know to cool off because that’s not appropriate behavior in front of your father. So why would it ever be appropriate in front of your heavenly father who is always with you? (Matthew 28:20). I’m not saying ALL kissing is bad, but lustful kissing is bad, and you can feel the difference.
When you close your eyes and truly lean in for a kiss to express your innocent desire for another it’s like the entire world shuts off. Your mind is solely focused on the girl you’re with and you open your eyes and smile because of your innocence. If you began a kiss simply because its been 20 minutes since your last one and you’re looking for some action, you’ve degraded women simply to their bodies and that is what is lust.
A real kiss begins with the proper motivation and you can’t delude yourself or God who knows your thoughts (Psalm 139:2). It’s not, “oh I’m gonna do something nice for him/her today so I can get a kiss,” its “I’m going to focus on fulfilling the deepest desires of his/her soul and be solely focused on that.”
Taking care of their needs, making sure they’re fed, happy and healthy—that is what it means to care about someone in the same way our family cares about us. Treating someone like that is the beginning of true friendship and true love. Then, without warning, you’ll know when the time is right—overcome with holy joy—and you express that real love with a kiss.
As the definition implies, however, lust runs deeper than just that, and cannot be limited to just your actions with another person. The LORD calls us to have pure thoughts (Proverbs 4:23) (Matthew 5:27-29) and intentions, not just actions. If you’re looking for a logical reason—recognize that all impure actions begin with impure thoughts. The truly devoted are looking to nip it in the bud, but moreover, you’re psychologically conditioning yourself into greater, higher and better standards of purity for God and for your future wife.
They deserve the white light of holiness, not the red hue of sin.
Pornography is BAD. You’re not just beginning with the intention of lust but many times this is accompanied with self-stimulation which is ALSO bad. Anything that takes your mind off God is bad, and the 7 deadly sins all have the power to do that if you choose to let them.
Christ’s love and power has given us power over sin (Romans 6:12-14) because we know that we rest on grace and no matter what our sins were in the past or might be in the future, he WILL forgive us and restore our innocence.
STOP FIGHTING A BATTLE THAT’S ALREADY BEEN WON. Repeat this to yourself anytime you are struggling!
We need to be holy and sanctified (Romans 12:1) to preserve our innocence with God, our marriages, and on a large scale the moral preservation of society.
Just look at how decadent we’ve become since the sexual revolution! The divorce rate is nearly 50%, kids are developing abnormal behavioral issues and the ones who are suffering because of the baby boomers is US.
We must realize the mistakes of our past and past generations and commit to higher standards of morality because desiring God does not mean settling in lukewarm sinfulness (Revelation 3:16), but TRULY REPENTING OF ALL SINS AND LETTING NONE SLIDE.
This kind of personal devotion to God carries into the bedroom even when you’re married. Many Protestant denominations have taught that contraception is permissible because there is no scriptural evidence, but Onan’s story is very clear that wasting the potential for life is always wrong. But on a deeper level, lusting after your wife is degrading your marriage, as you risk losing focus on God and begin focusing solely on sexual immorality. Slowly your mistakes pile up and you regretfully realize you’ve had a kid too soon before being in the right financial position.
Admit this to God and see yourself with your future wife living a life devoted to God, raising kids with strong virtues regardless of what society is doing or telling them. And consider homeschooling and private Christian schools now because its never to early to realize the world is not getting any better before it gets worse.
Pleasure from intimacy, whether by sex or kissing, is the icing on the cake but not the motivator for your actions. Everything must be done for unitive and procreative purposes. Only then will you receive the additional blessing of the sacrificial joy that comes with pleasing them spiritually and physically, but that IS NOT AND MUST NOT EVER BE A FOCUS.